the past week or so has been a mental struggle. i keep getting pulled back and forth between letting go or to keep trying.
Cliff notes relationship history:
- dated for about 3 months; very intense, close connections
- she broke up with me for reasons i still do not know
- she tried to reconcile shortly after breakup; i responded to texts with no or very short responses. she was acting very hostile and attacking my character and saying hurtful things. no way was I going to try to try to talk to her in that state
- ended contact with open ends (had to. we did love each other, "i love yous" exchanged", had to stand my ground as much it hurt me and how hard it was.
- been in "no contact" for about 45 days (broken up for about 2 months)
recent text messages to re-connect:
[9/14]: “hey i saw a vase full of black eye susans last night. they reminded me of you and it made me smile. hope you are doing great.” her and her moms favorite flowers…
Her: “where was it?”
Me: “walking by a restaurant downtown. nice hearing from you. have a great night.”
Her: “nice. i am getting that tattoo soon. good to hear from you too! maybe i will see you around.” (when we were together, she always told me she wanted a tattoo of it. that was it from me for the day and wkd.)
[9/17] me: "hey. i was making eggs and toast this morning and it reminded me of when i used to make breakfast for you and [her roommate/bff]. and i know how much she means to you. hope you are not too sad and had a great weekend." (saw she was leaving (saw it on facebook, i am friends with her – she is leaving the country for work abroad and i sent her a message on Saturday wishing her the best – and she responded very positivity)
no response from her.
[9/20] me – “hey. im taking a risk here, sticking my neck out…i had to cut off contact. i didnt know what else to do when the second girl i’ve ever fell in love with didnt want anything to do with me anymore. i truly wanted to provide you with what you never had. i just want you to know that. hope you are having a great night.
[9/21] her – (next morning) “sorry, generally when people cut me out of their lives i dont just let them change their minds randomly.”
[9/21] me – (few hours later) “like i said, i took a risk reaching out to you not knowing how you feel or what your situation is. my mind never changed. have a good weekend.”
[9/21] so i was out with friends and saw my ex last night when walking around downtown where all the bars/clubs are. She was with a girlfriend and a dude. We were walking in opposite directions, same sidewalk. saw her from a distance and I made eye contact when we got closer and same with her. she covered her face as we passed each other. I just resumed talking to my friend. btw i was looking good, per usual :)
she tweeted these also:
[9/23] “Being able to look forward to snuggling with a guy is so refreshing. Though I would prefer it be a puppy waiting to snuggle…”
[9/24]: “my current is so much more attractive than my ex, which is a marker of a job well done.” (she deleted this one probably within an hour from posting)
i just at my wits here and don't know why she is trying to hurt me. why is she so mad? why lash out now? i did nothing to instigate this...what are your thoughts? does she still care about me? why the games? any insight or advice would be great..